it all came crashing down

well last night it all came out. Me and Jaroslav went on our usual tuesday night date to the movies. Then to GBS bar and ended up getting drunk. The whole time I have this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I prob couldnt even tell you what happened in the movie because I hardly watched it. I just sat there thinking what it will be like in two weeks when I go home. I just kept picturing myself getting on the plane and never looking back. It felt so real when I played it out in my head. Like we both a pretending things are ok and good but in reality we know when I leave we will never see each other again. Which is something very very hard to come to grips with. Its hard to admitt to yourself when you finally are giving up. When you just dont have the energy to fight it anymore. This relationship has been sucking the life out of me lately. It used to feed life to me back in the day when it was refreshing to be in "love".
Its like I cant make up my mind one minute im so in love and dont want it to end. The second minute I cant wait to be free of him and this country and this awful obligation Ive got myself into.

so anyhow down to the juicy part of the night. on our way home we start talking about us and it just goes south. but not in an angry way in a very sad im sorry this is happening way. of course i get teary because this is something ive poured my heart and life into and its very heartbreaking to even think of it ending. we are driving home and im silent because i know if i open my mouth and talk nothing will come out except tears. im sitting there silently praying to god to give me strengh and guide me to the right decision. Im pleading please god just one little sign or one nudge. Give me the power to either fight for it or help me find the words to say anything. So we take the conversation upstairs to our room and it only proceeds to get worse. He starts talking about our goals and how different they are. And deep down I know he is struggling with this as well. And at that point I decide to make it easy on him. I tell him I get it. I get all the little signs and the bad feeling in my stomach. I get that we are just going through the motions untill I leave. That I know when I leave he wont be coming to PA and I wont be seeing him anymore. He tries to tell me im wrong but something tells me not to trust him. He tells me his still wants to come to PA and that he still is. Thats when i tell him that the invitation is no longer there for him to come.
He starts getting tears and he talks about how for once in his life he has found a place that is his. He has residency, a job, goes to school, lots of friends family. He finally has a network and he thinks my only object is to pluck him out of it. By this time he starts sobbing. I am too of course because we just broke up.

From there is just gets nasty. Im hurt. I feel empty and oddly like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. After some time passes and we get rid of the tears it hits me and i get very angry. He tries to tell me that its never about not loving me. and then he says Megan i love you. I get so mad when i hear him say it i just start yelling at him. telling him how much i hate him and i dont want to ever hear him say that again. I told him I hated every part of his being and that I never want to see him again. He then asks me what we are going to do for the next 2 weeks. That he doesnt want me to leave here because he knows I dont have my family here. At that point I tell him to get out. I tell him to leave and he can sleep on the couch tonight. that tomorrow Ill get my shit together and he can drop me off in the city at a youth hostel. That Ill stay there untill my plane leaves.

Then it takes another turn. By this time im not sure what my feelings are. Im not sure if im ready to turn my back or if i want to fight for it and tell him that i know it will be ok. He starts talking about being scared to leave NZ and scared to come to america, and how he is scared how serious this is. About how he is scared cause im such a strong willed person and he doesnt want to only go after my goals but his too. The biggest thing for him is that we are so far into this that he is scared of what happens after pa. I picked up the computer and opened my blog. I read him a couple snip-its out of it that involved him and our situation. Things that were wrote when we wernt fighting. At some point we made a peace. im not sure when or how but we justlayed down. he kept trying to reach out and cuddle me and i dont want to be touched by him. Finally I told him I dont want your pity cuddles. This makes him so mad he jumps up and starts screaming for me to get the fuck out. So i went to grap a blanket to take down stairs to sleep on the couch and he wont give one to me. So i just leave and go down stairs. Laying on the couch I can hear him up an dmoving around then like 5 mins later he comes down and throws a bunch of shit at me. My clothes. He tells me to get the fuck out of the house. That he doesnt want me here. Ive never seen him this angry before. I start to cry and i basically say where the hell do you want me to go its 1 in the morning. He obviously didnt care. So i go upstairs get on jeans and a hoodie thinking its cold as shit outside. I grab the car keys and tell him im taking the car and that ill be back tomorrow morning to get the rest of my stuff. Then he just starts crying again. Saying he isnt backing down that he is coming to the states and that he is staying in this. By this time im so emotionally drained I cant even think straight. Im sitting on the bed and he kneels down and he wants to know if im in or out. He is demanding that I decide. Im sobbing uncontrolable because i seriously dont know what i want. I cant find clarity in my mind and feelings. I just keep crying and saying im sorry and i dont know.

he finally gives it a rest and he convinces me to lay down and we just kind of cuddle all night. sleep came in spurts for me. In the morning he wakes up for work and just keeps saying i love you and giving me lil kisses. Im basically silent the whole time because i dont know what to do or say. When he leaves the room i hear him in the bathroom and i jump out of bed and run and hug him. Just squeeze him one last time. He says to me please dont be gone when i get back. Please be here.

I got my suitcases out. They are just sitting empty by the bed. I dont have enough courage to fill them. Im scared to be alone, and im scared to turn my back on this because I think ill regret it if i do.

Its not a question about love or devotion because I have never felt this way about anyone else. He deffinately has part of me forever. Its the part about me being strong enough to do this. Then on top of that i now have all these faltering ideas about his feelings. I dont know if he is just to chicken shit to finally end things or if he really wants to be together. I dont know if im to chicken shit to end things or if i really want to be together. I think going home in two weeks will help things. I need to be clear of him to sort things out for myself.

Its very liberating to think of going home a free girl. That way I can just be young again. Be senseless and not worry about someonelse. I dont have to worry about hurring up my life. After school i really can just go anywhere i want with out having another body to worry about.

Then I think about the exact opp. Of wanting to start the big kid part of my life. Of wanting to start a career and buy a house to make a home. Of how great it feels coming home to someone you love and care about. Once I told yoda that it wouldnt matter if he scaled all the continents that it wouldnt matter what he had experienced if he didnt have someone he loved to share it with.......

Fuck im torn and may need serious mental help when i get home hahaha

(if you made it to the end of this without your head spinning i give you props because this is all just streaming thoughts no editing)